So often I’m asked what is a Daddy Dom by newcomers to the lifestyle. I want to thank Wizard David from Fetlife for allowing me to post his writing here. I believe his words clear up so many questions and misconceptions and give a definition of what a Daddy Dom is.
7 Fundamental Characteristics of A Daddy Dom
Just what is a Daddy Dom? Well, to start with, a Daddy Dom is first and foremost a Dom. He chooses the subcategory of “Daddy” within the lifestyle of dominance and submission (D/s). Let’s get one thing out of the way right at the beginning. A Daddy Dom does not promote incest or pedophilia as the kink may be misunderstood by ignorant people. Rather, in this specific subcategory, the dynamic is set up for the male dominant to be called “Daddy”, and the female submissive (sub) to be called “girl”, “little girl”, or “babygirl”, etc. Rarely is she called “daughter”, as this evokes too many parallels to incest, which Daddies and their girls detest. And while some doms and some subs may have been victims of family violence, incest, or other abuse, Daddy Doms and their girls are not overrepresented in these categories any more than the general population.
The following are some of the fundamental characteristics, and indeed needs, that all Daddy dominants seem to share universally:
- Her Number One Fan, the Daddy usually believes in his girl more than she herself does, and often uses the wisdom of his age to see her not only for who she is, but also for who she can become. A Daddy’s eyes light up when his girl enters the room. He is proud of her and praises her for not just for what she accomplishes, but for what she attempts, and for who she is. He accepts her for who she is, flaws and all. And he knows all her flaws because he is also her
- ultimate Confidant, allowing her to bare her soul to him beyond all others. She may have many different relationships and types of friends in her life. But Daddy will be her “umbrella confidant”. The one with whom she can talk about absolutely anything and trust that what she tells Daddy stays with Daddy. He is the one from whom she withholds nothing. The one who doesn’t mind if she needs to call and talk at 3am.
- He is the Protector of his girl against real or perceived threats, dangers, and bad people. Sometimes a little girl just needs to curl up in Daddy’s arms and smile at some of his bluster, and sometimes the Daddy may have to act on his protective instincts. Pity the person who messes with a Daddy’s girl.
- Her Teacher and mentor shows her new things that come from a longer and possibly wider set of life experiences. Daddy likes to take his girl to places she has never been, feed her foods she has never eaten, and do activities she has never enjoyed before. He is never so happy as when he can look in her eyes and know he has given her something she has never had before. This also translates into sexual adventurism for some Daddy/girl couples. He symbolically deflowers her on a regular basis, whether that be sexual or just in exposure to new life adventures.
- He wants to be her Guide and advisor. As the girl makes her way in the world, Daddy wants to be there to answer her questions, calm her fears, make her insecurities go away, and give her sound advice based on his years of experience.
- Anchor. The Daddy dom is an unyielding, unmovable anchor in the storm. No matter what happens in the girl’s life, she knows her Daddy will be right there where he has always been, and she can hold onto that even if she is blinded by her own tears. Daddies know the storm will pass, and she will be safe, but she needs something to hold onto that will not move.
- Disciplinarian. When the girl acts badly, she expects to be disciplined or punished for the infraction. Most Daddy dominants find it occasionally difficult to keep this up, especially as the affection for their girl grows. They would love nothing more than to spoil their girls, but they realize this is the path to ruin. One a girl begins to believe she can manipulate Daddy, she no longer sees him as her dominant, unyielding anchor. A girl needs the stability and protection of a man who is more dominant than she is. To demonstrate that characteristic, Daddies must sometimes be excessively strict and rigid, more so than they would in normal relationships. The act of disciplining the girl may be used as part of a sadomasochistic activity.
In addition to these practically mandatory characteristics, some couples add their own sadism and masochism to the mix, and may use the concept of the wolf or lion and little lamb to describe the way in which the Daddy simultaneously protects his little girl from the world, and yet wants to dominate and devour her sexually. As a sadist, he may create the very tears that he will later kiss away. Sounds sweet, and yet terrifying, if you are not accustomed to the world of sadomasochism in which these participants operate. But to a Daddy and his girl who are into BDSM, this is the most perfect of scenarios they can imagine to act out their fetish.
Daddies come in many flavors, just as their girls do. Some Daddies may have polyamorous girls who have male and female lovers, and Daddy may be that one person outside the polyamory “family” who does not judge her. A Daddy and his girl might not have a sexual relationship at all. Since this is typically a D/s construct, there is usually a sexual component, but as can be seen from the above list of characteristics, sex is not the largest factor or the motivating force in this type of relationship. A Daddy may have more than one girl, may be married and have a girl, too, or may have other types of combinations. But it is rare for a girl to have more than one Daddy.
It is said that “a Top is for tonight, a Dominant is for as long as she is submissive, a Master is there until she is no longer a slave, but a Daddy is forever”. Daddy may have to give his girl away to a husband. He may eventually run out of things to teach his little girl. She may ultimately not need his sage advice and his experience any more. Hopefully he will be too old by then to have to deal with it, because when there is nothing left to teach, no need for a confidant, no discipline needing to be meted out, when his little girl no longer needs her Daddy, that’s when he will die inside. The need that Daddy has for his girl is every bit as potent as the need she has for her Daddy.
A Daddy usually knows he is one. He doesn’t have to be convinced of it, or taught how to be a Daddy. He may only need to have his innate Daddy characteristics pointed out to him. It might happen in the throes of a sexual activity when she exclaims “Daddy” for the first time, and the light goes on. Similarly, the little girl usually knows she needs a Daddy without having to be taught how to be his little girl. Once they identify themselves as Daddy / Little Girl, the draw is more powerful than many other forms of attraction, because it is rooted in deep-seated and old emotions that may not have any other outlet.
Girls in this lifestyle do not act like little girls in their normal work lives. They do not bring teddy bears to work. Indeed many are older women who are very assertive and successful in the business world, but need this special place to get nurturing and comfort lacking in their careers. A Daddy might not necessarily act parental or fatherly in his normal work life either. For some it may be role playing, for some it is a secret lifestyle, and other couples delight in the joys of unabashedly practicing the Daddy/girl dynamic in public. In any case, it evokes deep-seated needs and emotions for both parties, and is a very powerful dynamic.
While some of these characteristics could easily be applied to any good male-female relationship, there are some that require something quite different than the “50/50 partnership” that is so often touted as the most healthy. This is not 50/50. This is a Dominant/submissive relationship, and all the characteristics should be viewed through the lens of D/s.
And while many of the characteristics could also be easily applied to any good D/s or Master/slave relationship, there are some characteristics that are decided different. Not all Masters consider themselves their slave’s number one fan or her umbrella confidant. Teacher, guide, and anchor are not necessarily roles that a Master is required to adopt.
This is nowhere near a complete treatise on Daddy/girl relationships. It does not address the possibility that parent-child ego states (Transactional Analysis) are the preferred communication mode. It does not address the “play space” created by the Daddy for the girl to enjoy feeling “little”, or many other aspects that make D/g different from other D/s, M/s and similar dynamics. But this description of Daddy Dom characteristics will hopefully be useful as a baseline explanation of what makes a Daddy tick.